My baby sister has been going through a rough spell lately, and its hard to see her suffer. I don’t know if its part of who I am or part of being an older brother but its hard to see her suffer and struggle and not want to swoop in and do everything in my power to help make things better for her.  I fear that is a fault I do with all the people I’m close to, no just family but friends and people I care deeply enough for as to be considered family to me. I forget that people come to conclusions on their own and instead of me trying to save the day.. sometimes all that is needed is merely to listen. Now I try to be as supportive as I can but in the rush to help make things better instead of really listening to what people are saying i merely hear the words waiting for a pause so that I can interject my own musings on the situation. That’s a tough line to walk.. to help when needed, to be there to listen always and sometimes to be silent when you see the storm on the horizon. As I get older and experience more and as I become more aware of the person I am and the personality that I possess it has become easier to find my balance on that tight rope. My first instinct will probably always be to rush to help and save the day but it is becoming easier to force myself to be still, to be silent and to just be there. My heart still breaks when I see the tears or think about the pain the people I care the most for go through, but it strengthens my resolve to make sure that I am always there ready, willing and able to listen first, to support and to make sure at every possible opportunity that I let those people know just how special they are to me, how much they mean to me, how much I’ve learned from them and how honored I am to have them stand beside me.

“Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.”  – Paul Pearshall

Why is it that if you don’t get in people’s face, if you don’t walk around trying to be brash and confrontational people look at you as weak, like your a door mat? Just because someone chooses their battles and isn’t willing to get into an argument over just any topic they a wimp? Since when did kindness and being chivalrous and even forgiving become bad things? I mean there are times where I want to rip the people around me a new one, that I want nothing more than to lose my temper, to scream, yell and make my point known but its not worth what it would do to the people around me. As much as I might want to say my piece, I know that my thoughts, my words would hurt those people that I care the most about.. so its better for me to keep my mouth shut, to pick only the battles that are truly deeply important to me instead of going off and needlessly, senselessly hurting the feelings of the people I would give my life to protect and see happy and successful. Maybe that is weakness, maybe that makes me a door mat, maybe it makes me a better man, I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that at the end of every day I’m the one that has to stand at the sink and look in the mirror at myself and be ok with the choices I’ve made and the things I’ve said… I know that it means more to me and is more fulfilling, and often more painful, to keep my mouth quiet from saying the things I most long to say because it would be selfish to utter the words. They won’t make the person they are spoken to feel any better, they just make me feel better.

Here are today’s quotes…
“In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightengale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.”  – Ambrose Bierce
It is easier to find a score of men wise enough to discover the truth than to find one intrepid enough, in the face of oposition, to stand up for it.”  – A. A. Hodge

Ok, so today I heard a podcast talking about upcoming technology and I got pretty geeked out. They were talking about sanforce controllers on the new 6Gb for solid state drives.. that there was one with read speeds of 520 MB a sec. and the piece that I got the most excited about was the talk about the new AMD processor and chipset The thing about it that got to me was the complete redesign on the AMD side of it.. I mean the creation of an 8 core processor with hyper threading running at like 4GHz and with 8MB L2 and L3 cache.. I just built a new desktop last fall with an AMD 6 core processor with a solid state drive, but with this new info I want to build another one with the new bulldozer. Especially if I can build the desktop with sata 6G and USB 3.0.. who knows by then i might even be able to find a motherboard with lightpeak on it.. I’m not sure what i’d do with all that speed and power but as a web developer i love the possibility of trying to find ways to peg out that kind of performance. I also heard about a Google Chrome OS laptop.. that idea definitely intrigues me keeping all my system resources for myself and storing all my apps and files on the cloud.. its an interesting time, and I can’t wait to see what they will dream up next. For those that are interested I got that information from the TWIT network a program called “This Week in Computer Hardware” and the other one is “PC Perspective” both are great resources for anyone wanting to get into building and upgrading PCs, they have great reviews and are a wonderful source of info and tips.

Here’s today’s quote… “When we engage in what we are naturally suited to do, our work takes on the quality of play and it is play that stimulates creativity.”  – Linda Naiman

Why is it that no matter how long a vacation, it never seems long enough? Well, this is my first week back in the upper midwest after being in Virginia last week for my little brother’s BOLIC graduation. Military ceremonies always keep me in awe because i’m never really sure what to expect until its over. This one was no exception. The special guest speaker was very interesting. He was a very down to earth and common sense kind of person. He gave not only the graduation lieutenants something to think about, but for anyone who was listening he had lots of wisdom to pass along. One thing he mentioned is something that i’ve always been very interested in.. “become a student of history.” I love history. I will always remember the sign hanging in my high school library “those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” Its a fine line though. I mean its great to remember what people before us have done and to keep proper perspective on whatever you might currently be going through but it can also be harmful to spend your entire life constantly looking backwards. I’m probably more guilty of that than most people. I am quick to forgive others for wrongs committed against me, but I can never seem to forgive myself for when I feel like i haven’t lived up to my own expectations. This is especially true for relationships. I’ve spent a lot of time remembering the past and stories from growing up on this vacation but it helped me to realize that i also spend too much time looking back at past relationships and thinking about what might have been or how much i might regret the way things went or how things turned out instead of paying attention to how things are now.

Here’s a quote that i found interesting, “A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” – William Shakespeare